I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
