Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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