You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
