im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Im part way to drunk.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
