sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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