hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
