I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
