Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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