She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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