I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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