since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
