Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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