I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
