I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
