you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
mondays should just be called national damage control day
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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