you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
