I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
