i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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