fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
