Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
