Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
