i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Still dying that you shit outside
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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