well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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