I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
