He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Your penis caused this!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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