My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
