Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's blow job season.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
