Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
