An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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