I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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