Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
