In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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