My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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