I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am one with the molecules
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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