guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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