I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
third nipple confirmed
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
