Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
