If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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