the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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