I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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