Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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