i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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