she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize