this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
