I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
People in love make me want to vomit
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
