1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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