someone get that fucking seahorse.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
