I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You're like the curious george of whores
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
