Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
