I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
