did you get engaged???
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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