there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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