i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize