If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
