Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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