69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
