I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
