i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
