My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
