highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
