Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
did you just send me my own nude
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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