he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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